A male client came to me looking for answers as to why a newly-started relationship he was enjoying suddenly and irrevocably broke down. I had known this client a number of years. I knew him to be a supportive and loving man. He was also financially sound. So, I was curious. He said he felt it originated in their sex life. Although he enjoyed the sex, he said that his partner kept telling him that the sex was not right.

I worked with my client. I checked his energies. They were clear. He had done nothing to cause any confusion or misunderstanding in the relationship. I worked with him to reinforce the centre of his strength, his heart, to reassure him he had done nothing wrong and to release some pockets of energy from the relationship which he had yet to let go.

Then fate stepped in.

Out of the blue, the woman from the now-ended relationship phoned to ask for an appointment. She had no idea that I knew or had just treated her ex.

When I began to work with her, I immediately sensed confusion between sex and intimate touch in her. This confusion caused her to expect things which are normally transmitted through intimate touch to be transmitted through sex instead and sadly, this confusion lay at the root of why sex often did not work for her.

On the surface, sex and intimate touch appear very similar. Yet, they are not. They are different energies. They have different properties and characteristics and they work in the body in very different ways. As an example, you use intimate touch when you hug someone to reassure them, support them or make them feel safe and secure. In such circumstances, when transmitting reassurance or feelings of security, you hug the person, you don’t have sex with them.

And security was the root feeling this woman was looking for. And then from that security, love.

This is the way many of us seek love but in seeking love this way, many people make two errors in judgement which lead to them not finding love. One, they think they are seeking love, when, in fact they are seeking something deeper, such as safety or security and two, they sometimes seek what they are looking for in sex, when, in fact, it is better found in intimate touch.

Intimate touch is a touch that engenders feelings of safety, security and protection. This leads to feelings of trust and the feeling that the person giving the intimate touch understands the person needing the intimate touch. And it is this combination: trust and the feeling of being understood (built on the deeper feelings of safety, security and protection) which opens the heart to love.

Feelings of safety and security, however, are not transmitted in sex and so this woman was looking for something that was simply not there in sex. She thought, as many of us do, that you find love in sex. Yet, for her, the path to her opening to love was to be found in intimate touch. But her belief that it should be found in sex was so strong, it blinded her to looking for it – and by extension, accepting it – in any other way and this lead to her having an expectation of sex that sex could not deliver. As she said of her relationship with my male client: the sex was not right. It did not deliver her what she thought it would. And so, that was the end of the relationship.

So, be careful of sex. Yes, it is intense and wonderful and opens up many doors, but that doesn’t mean it can bring you everything you need. It is easy to link sex to love and to create the expectation of finding love through sex. But if what you really need on a deeper level is security or safety or protection or reassurance then please be aware that these things are not transmitted in sex and that by being aware of this, it may help you avoid becoming disappointed or frustrated or even angry at not finding what you thought you would find in sex.